Better quality conversation with the use of Neuro-linguistic programming

Better quality conversation with the use of Nuero linguistic programming

Shehnaj Parveen Sarma

The quality of conversation that we share with other people is how they feel when they are with us and leaves behind an everlasting impression.
Do they feel heard?  Do they feel valued?  Most importantly do they feel heard and emotionally connected?
Here are some tips to create better quality conversation with the help of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) tools and techniques and I’m sure that these will be truly worth and improve the quality of conversation :
Here are few tips how you can improve your communication skills with the help of NLP

  • Learn the basics of nonverbal communication or how your physiology works*

    One study found that nonverbal communication accounted for 55 per cent of how an audience perceived a presenter. That means that the majority of what you say is communicated not through words, but through physical cues.

    According to the Albert Mehrabian communication model, it states that 7 percent of meaning is communicated through spoken word, 38 percent through tone of voice, and 55 per cent through body language.

    In NLP, internal representation plays an important role in the communication process. Suppose you meet someone who is superior to you and you feel yourself as inferior from what is known as your self-concept and it represents how you are feeling inside – internal representation.

    To communicate clearly and confidently, adopt proper posture. Avoid slouching, folding your arms or making yourself appear smaller than you are. Instead, fill up the space you are given, maintain eye contact and (if appropriate) move around the space.

  • Listen to understand*

    NLP *rapport* is the ability to relate to others in a way that creates trust and understanding. It is the ability to see the other’s point of view and get them to understand yours. You don’t have to agree with their point of view or even like it.

    Another NLP presupposition works well here and that is we are all map markers so we cannot be judgmental , every person has their own map of the world and we should respect it without feedback.

    It is very important that we pause, talk, connect and practice micro-observation skills while communicating, otherwise we may get involved in our thoughts or feelings and break the rapport built during our conversation.

    Most of us believe that we are good listeners, however this is quite a faulty assumption, often we listen not to understand but to prove our opinion right.

    We need to understand what the other person is saying by being consciously present in the conversation and listen to understand. This is when we open our hearts, and truly absorb what is being said. So, what kind of listener are you?

  • Matching and mirroring*

    Mirroring and matching are techniques widely used in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or NLP, an interpersonal communication model created by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in the 1970s. 

    The idea is that people feel most comfortable around those who are like them – they feel that their point of view is understood. The more someone believes you are like them, the easier it is to develop trust and rapport at the unconscious level.

    Mirroring refers to the simultaneous ‘copying’ of the behaviour of another person, as if reflecting their movements back to them. When done with respect and discretion, mirroring creates a positive feeling and responsiveness in you and others.

    Matching, on the other hand, can have a built-in ‘time lag’.  For example, if a seated client uncrosses his legs and leans slightly inward while speaking, you should wait for a few seconds and then discretely adopt the same posture.

    For example, think about a scenario where in a conversation between two persons one person is sitting and the other is standing in this situation no rapport could be built because there is neither matching nor mirroring, however compared to when you are standing on the stage at a seminar or function.

  • Don’t attack or criticise.

    Our words have enough power to create a long-lasting impact especially in an emotionally charged situation.

    Often, we may mean good but the words we use may create a totally opposite meaning. So, when people feel criticised or attacked, they tend to close the conversation and become defensive. No communication is possible from this point of view so choose your words carefully and try to avoid words that would make the conversation an unvalued one.

  • Try to practice pause *

    When you are upset or hurt there will be chances that your words and mannerisms might not support your feelings and intentions. Instead of bursting out in anger or any other emotions, try to pause. Deeper the emotions deeper should be the pause.

    Once you are calmer and more in control express your views and opinions clearly and meaningfully. This act is priceless and worth developing.

    Communicating clearly is one of the most effective skills you can cultivate for strengthening your relationships. Remember to communicate using nonverbal and verbal cues.

    Listen carefully to what others have to say, listen and don’t just hear, listen using whole body listening where you are consciously present during the conversation and make the conversation process more strong and more effective.

Shehnaj Parveen Sarma from Guwahati practicing NLP counsellor and Life Coach and has a Facebook Page called Mind Triggers related to counselling.